Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Our Journey to Eden

Before I share our birth story, I want to share a little bit of our journey to get there. 2014 was a very long year for us. Not only were we undergoing a lot of change in life--- jobs, new house!, new city, etc. we were trying to have a baby.  Luckily... ok well there is nothing lucky about the situation--- but for use, we knew there were problems right away so we didn't have to wait the full year of trying before we got to start medications.
One year ago, September 2014, we started the first rounds of some fertility medications. It took four different providers and from January until September before we found one that would/could help us while being slightly sneaky on the insurance front. For the most part my insurance covered nothing once I had the "infertility" diagnosis. I am very grateful for my doctor who did everything she could to use other diagnosis to sneak around the stupid rules of the Catholic church, but let's not get me started there. Back to our story.

We did three rounds of medications and realized they were not working. They were actually creating more problems. I had one 'final' ultrasound the beginning of December. There was nothing inside that looked like a human could be created, and a few huge (golf ball size) cysts. Time to stop the medications and just enjoy the holidays.
This was probably the lowest point of my life. I have never felt so broken. Physically, emotionally, spiritually. I was a mess.  God has given me a few incredible women that allowed me to be broken. They didn't try to fix anything (there was nothing to 'fix) they just let me cry and be mad. I think another redeeming factor... Ryan and I made a pact that if we were pregnant by next Christmas we were going on an epic two week backpacking trip somewhere during Christmas next year. I couldn't handle another Christmas without a baby. I was pretty excited about our 'plan'.
Enter January.
New year. New possibility. Another ultrasound... It looked different to the doctor, but it could have been due to a lot of things. The pregnancy test was again negative (this was probably the 100th test taken) but I wasn't surprised. I started more medications, but on January 2 I had this sensation. A tingle? A spasm? An implantation? Who knows....
I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. WHAT?!?!??
This. Is. NOT. Possible.
physically not possible.
There is no way.
I took four. They were all positive. I called my doctor's office, went in for blood work, and within 2 hours found out, yes. I am pregnant.
I still didn't believe it. I am sure other women feel the same way. After going a full year of trying to get pregnant and taking so many negative tests, to hear that you finally are pregnant, just doesn't seem right.
That evening I told Ryan.
He was just as shocked. I mean we had just been told ONE month before (when we would've gotten pregnant) there is nothing in there this month. We will have to try again later. Really.... how in the world.

The first eight weeks were a whirlwind. We told our parents, but no one else. Okay and Sara. I just didn't think it was real. I thought something else was going on. A false pregnancy. A tumor. Anything but a baby.

January 29 though--- we heard the heart beat. We saw her teeny tiny body being formed. We knew this was real. Our life was changing. We had a miracle.

I tell you this story to let you see a glimpse inside the story. This child of ours is a miracle... yes yes all babies are miracles. But seriously--- Eden is a little more. She was formed inside of me from nothing. Medically and scientifically she shouldn't exist. But God works miracles. She was created and formed and given to Ryan and me.

I don't know if we will ever be pregnant again, which is one reason I tried to enjoy every moment of pregnancy. I had so much fun. I loved being pregnant. Feeling her kick and move. Feeling her hiccups. Dreaming about what she would look like. Our future together as a family. It was a beautiful pregnancy and I loved every minute of it.... really. I did.

All the way up to the birth... and that story is coming soon. :)

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